K (snugandevil) wrote,
K
snugandevil

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It's OK if you don't want to read this

The guy who interviewed me today looked like an old professor (Joe Groves) and knew my dad.
Too bad they, they being Mr. Interviewer and my dad, are both good reputable men, otherwise I would have instantly scored a job.

I was stuck in traffic this evening for, at first, no apparent reason. But after a few minutes of stagnancy I saw banners through the fog and heard the clanging of pots and pans.
I sat in my car as the protesters marched past with hand and cardboard signs of peace chants and the like.
I think I can stand a little harmless inconvenience for the sake such expression. I don't know that protests accomplish much on a grand scale these days, but I appreciate them either way, these "disturbances", because it is a blatant reminder of dissent. It's nothing compared to the "inconveniences" of war anyway.
Even so, I was too tired to keep apartment hunting, so I drove back to the house.

It is hard to describe how I feel, how I have been feeling, for the last few weeks.
It is a kind of embalmed sense of foreboding, calm and serene and safely behind glass.
I don't want to call it fear because that doesn't seem like an appropriate term.
Fear is what I found after the break-in. I never knew what is was like before.
Panic.

I am not afraid, that just isn't the right way to say it.

I am not ohmygodohmygod someone is going to die raced and terror-stricken.
Ever since Hayden died I feel a near constant sense of ending, but in this quiet and absolute way.
More than half the time Jonathan leaves I think I will never see him again. I just accept it.
Paranoia is all about uncertainty, this is not what I am feeling.

At the same time, I think my feelings lollygag in the land on non-specificity because there isn't enough that is certain because there isn't enough to go on. I haven't a clue what this war really means and what the consequences will be. And just because I can identify something as a 'depressed acceptance of an ending' doesn't mean that I understand it.

I don't know shit about war.
I don't understand my feelings about death.

If you think about emotions as a giant landscape which exists in full from the outset, I am crossing over into new territory. I haven't seen or felt many of these things before.
It is a very strange experience.

I have not been spending my time trying to figure out what I will do about this war. I suppose I am cynical and a lost cause, but I don't think there is anything I can do about it now.
I am trying to establish what I am going to do when it is over.
I am trying to figure out where I fit into it, and how it will affect my future plans.
I don't mean that in a logistical way.

What I want, is what I have wanted for quite some time now.
I want both-and not either-or.
The school system indoctrinates individuals into the culture. That is what it is designed to do. Our system teaches fear, and questioning of one's own autonomy and validity, and single-mindedness and revelry in the face of another's failure because it may well equate to your success.
It doesn't teach uniqueness because if everyone was unique there would be no one identifiable culture.

I don't know how to change the system as a whole, I haven't spent enough time in it yet, I don't even know if it would work.
So I am changing my role as a teacher within that system. I will give more options. Brainwashing to the far Left is not an acceptable response to the Right majority thinking.

That is how I am going to fight against this war.
I am not going to give up right now on living despite my overwhelming desire to do so.
I am going to become a teacher and I am going to ignore comments about my lofty ideals.

I feel ridiculously disconnect from many things and I think that's the point. The county would have to get bombed to even try and begin to understand, but the sad thing is, if attacked, the country (at this stage of its cultural identity) would still accept no responsibility. Everything is too far removed from everything else and because, perhaps, so many of us don't feel like a part of the process, we don't feel a need to accept responsibility for change either.

I am tired, so very tired and I imagine I haven't said what I meant to.

I am driving home to VA tomorrow and am vaguely concerned that someone I know may die.
But people are always dying, that is just how these things go.
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