K

snugandevil @ 2004-10-11T05:27:00

2004-10-11T09:31:18Z

when hot and monkey can be used in the sentence explaining why I am still awake, the hour at hand isn't quite as atrocious
and I look at this old user icon and think, maybe I miss being a redhead
goodness, my intellect is astounding 2 hours before sunrise
. . . and in continuation of that thought, I have decided one of my winningest qualities is my pithy, side-splitting sense of post-coital humor. You throw some jizm into the mix and I am fucking hilarious.
You are so glad you kept this screen name on your friends list, aren't you.
bejesus I need to be asleep

Organization

2003-04-02T03:26:34Z

I think I am consolidating journals for the time being.
I am not doing a good job with keeping up with both.
You don't have to of course, but if you want to adjust any custom friends groups to suit that would be appreciated.

So yeah, go here because that's where the words will be from now on.

For a while anyway

can't think or see straight

2003-03-30T19:45:16Z

It's funny, it's like he was trying to start over. Or maybe he just had a thing for girls with scars. He always seemed impressed with mine in all the wrong ways.

I woke up this morning convinced that the falling snow was a birthday present. I slide further into my fantasy world every day it seems.

My bed got left outside in the rain and I had to carry it in. It was a surprise because it had never rained before out by the pine tree. I think I have a bruise on my left thigh where I stopped to steady myself and the weight.

He has tattoos now; done in red ink. Letters of the alphabet in immaculate cursive and maps showing connected dots of all the places he's been.
I imagine not the places he will be.

My eyes are hurting in ways that I don't understand. I haven't been staring at screens or pages without my glasses, but the blood vessels are tight and the light is making me squinty. . . oh, maybe that is a symptom of a hang over.

I still don't recognize a hangover, sigh.

But I'm tired and I think I will just go home and take a nap.

Also, for all geographically near livejournal friends; no party today. I'm gonna get me a house and then you all can come celebrate with The Tall One and I and bring nice things for the new digs. . . or something.

pale and clad in black - my pass to geekdom

2003-03-29T20:50:32Z

*smash* those eggshells I am walking on
actually, its more like I pretend not to notice they are even there

I need to get myself fixed up and organized and stop depending upon the kindness of women who I am making strangers by my prolonged absences

I talked with the forgotten floridian today
I'm glad that I can be in on the joke now and that our friendship is funny because it is
not because it has to be

"No", I say, "My email has never had an underscore in it"
And I listen to all of the amassed gifts for various holidays past that I have yet to see
Like I said
I'm just glad this isn't the kind of situation I have to see the humor in because if I don't I'll end up disappointed and heart-broken

I poke fun at him and he does the same to me
we give each other points for using words like "doubloons" in sentences
Our lives always seem to be the same though, new examples of everything we've already said

I got a neat pair of shoes for $5 today
My birthday present to myself because everything else needs to go to a place to live
I am moving next week out of necessity
I love my kitten, but he makes things harder

I think I may postpone my birthday party and have it meld into a birthdayformeandTheTallOneandhousewarming party.

I am making myself uncomfortable with the stress
I make it far worse than it needs to be
I just don't have the blind faith and optimism I once did
My dad keeps telling me that "things will work out"
But I feel like I have to make them
I have to get this together
and soon

snugandevil @ 2003-03-28T00:20:00

2003-03-28T05:23:50Z

I like hand-held games.
I am going to go play until I can't stay awake any more.
I wish I had a tent to sleep in.
I wish I knew what I was looking for.
Bleh.
I'm saving the quasi-eloquent stuff for later, yeah, that's it.

whoo whoo

2003-03-27T01:45:30Z

It is almost my birthday,
(yay!)
but I convinced my glittergirl to give me my present early.
She is sweet to me that way.
I now have a pretty, hardbound Edward Gorey collection just for me.
AND, I remembered nesto's birthday without even cheating.
I win!
Now it is time for kitten baths and nice phone calls from pretty boys.

snugandevil @ 2003-03-23T22:23:00

2003-03-24T03:54:56Z

So an interview and from what I hear a fairly assured position. If it is what I think it is, I will make 9-10 an hour and get to organize things and people.
On the side I will be able to substitute teach.
What this really means is that I have to leave tomorrow (much earlier than expected) and that I have to decide in a firm and committed manner whether or not I want to live in North Carolina

Things with my mom were hard tonight. I really don't think it is her fault, it can't be just her. If was really just my mother her powers of discomfort and devastation of confidence would be obscene.

Sometimes I wonder how she feels. I don't know if I will ever have children, but I can imagine that you feel a little less than swell when both of your children decide to leave when they are 16 or 17 - when they decide that they just can't handle the stress of having you as a mother.

She took me out to a very nice dinner though, and gave me pots and pans. They are pea green and super old school. Like I played my music on them when I was 2 kind of old school.

I am feeling more relaxed than I was, but I think the beverage and necessitated calm of surrounding family has a lot to do with it.

Can't be all fucked up and crying with your dad and brother around, it just doesn't work.

My brother just told me to try some kind of ale, brand name Delirium, but make sure you get the kind with the pink elephant and lizards dancing, not just the pink elephant he says.
sigh.

And I have no problem with "whole food plus antioxidant" gummy bears. I know a tall someone who thinks they're "gross", but he's never tried them. They just taste like fruit. But yeah, there are some things that I can't be ok with. One of those things is all organic aloe vera tooth paste. When is the last time your teeth got sunburned anyway.
Yeah, that's what I thought.

I can't hear you when I'm talking, says my brother. He also just asked if my cat was off the dippers. I think it is time to devote a little more attention to the younger member of my gene pool, I mean I am leaving tomorrow.

What News?

2003-03-23T03:36:09Z

I am here and also in one piece - head still firmly attached to my shoulders

What didn't happen today:

My car didn't shake itself to bits
There were no flat tires
I did not have to whore myself out at a rest stop for gas money home
I did not have awful, wrenching thoughts of Cracker Barrel ploys for forgiveness
There was no sleeping behind the wheel (with the exception of kitten)
There was no rain
And no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq (funny that)

The hands I left were soft and warm - it felt good to smile - didn't fear death for all the sun

Here in VA, I find that my brother has a new set of wheels. He tried to rub my nose in his "new" 88 Mustang convertible, 12 miles to the gallon he says with a smirk. . . I told him that I don't put much importance on things like cars, but he knows that.

He is auditioning at UNCG in the next week, says's he might transfer to the Durham store and eventually I am thinking of going to Boston for Graduate school. We are going to follow each other everywhere; good thing we like each other.

As previously, but nor particularly clearly mentioned, both my dad and brother work at Whole Foods. Tonight my dad and I went to get groceries and visit my brother. I love good food I don't have to pay for (I still don't want to live here though)
My dad,
(who is now allergic to gluten, I swear he is allergic to something new every time I come home)
even bought me a big bottle of my favorite raspberry Belgian lambic and let me stare at the amazing selection of international beer and wine. . .god damn it was a beautiful thing.

I want to try and organize my things for the week, but that is stoopid and overkill since I don't have responsibilities here.

So instead I will drink more and watch the Young One's with Kitten.

It's OK if you don't want to read this

2003-03-21T04:20:11Z

The guy who interviewed me today looked like an old professor (Joe Groves) and knew my dad.
Too bad they, they being Mr. Interviewer and my dad, are both good reputable men, otherwise I would have instantly scored a job.

I was stuck in traffic this evening for, at first, no apparent reason. But after a few minutes of stagnancy I saw banners through the fog and heard the clanging of pots and pans.
I sat in my car as the protesters marched past with hand and cardboard signs of peace chants and the like.
I think I can stand a little harmless inconvenience for the sake such expression. I don't know that protests accomplish much on a grand scale these days, but I appreciate them either way, these "disturbances", because it is a blatant reminder of dissent. It's nothing compared to the "inconveniences" of war anyway.
Even so, I was too tired to keep apartment hunting, so I drove back to the house.

It is hard to describe how I feel, how I have been feeling, for the last few weeks.
It is a kind of embalmed sense of foreboding, calm and serene and safely behind glass.
I don't want to call it fear because that doesn't seem like an appropriate term.
Fear is what I found after the break-in. I never knew what is was like before.
Panic.

I am not afraid, that just isn't the right way to say it.

I am not ohmygodohmygod someone is going to die raced and terror-stricken.
Ever since Hayden died I feel a near constant sense of ending, but in this quiet and absolute way.
More than half the time Jonathan leaves I think I will never see him again. I just accept it.
Paranoia is all about uncertainty, this is not what I am feeling.

At the same time, I think my feelings lollygag in the land on non-specificity because there isn't enough that is certain because there isn't enough to go on. I haven't a clue what this war really means and what the consequences will be. And just because I can identify something as a 'depressed acceptance of an ending' doesn't mean that I understand it.

I don't know shit about war.
I don't understand my feelings about death.

If you think about emotions as a giant landscape which exists in full from the outset, I am crossing over into new territory. I haven't seen or felt many of these things before.
It is a very strange experience.

I have not been spending my time trying to figure out what I will do about this war. I suppose I am cynical and a lost cause, but I don't think there is anything I can do about it now.
I am trying to establish what I am going to do when it is over.
I am trying to figure out where I fit into it, and how it will affect my future plans.
I don't mean that in a logistical way.

What I want, is what I have wanted for quite some time now.
I want both-and not either-or.
The school system indoctrinates individuals into the culture. That is what it is designed to do. Our system teaches fear, and questioning of one's own autonomy and validity, and single-mindedness and revelry in the face of another's failure because it may well equate to your success.
It doesn't teach uniqueness because if everyone was unique there would be no one identifiable culture.

I don't know how to change the system as a whole, I haven't spent enough time in it yet, I don't even know if it would work.
So I am changing my role as a teacher within that system. I will give more options. Brainwashing to the far Left is not an acceptable response to the Right majority thinking.

That is how I am going to fight against this war.
I am not going to give up right now on living despite my overwhelming desire to do so.
I am going to become a teacher and I am going to ignore comments about my lofty ideals.

I feel ridiculously disconnect from many things and I think that's the point. The county would have to get bombed to even try and begin to understand, but the sad thing is, if attacked, the country (at this stage of its cultural identity) would still accept no responsibility. Everything is too far removed from everything else and because, perhaps, so many of us don't feel like a part of the process, we don't feel a need to accept responsibility for change either.

I am tired, so very tired and I imagine I haven't said what I meant to.

I am driving home to VA tomorrow and am vaguely concerned that someone I know may die.
But people are always dying, that is just how these things go.

authentic existence and other psychobabble

2003-03-20T05:41:30Z

"I thought you didn't believe in anything," I called after her as she climbed into the Roller he sent to collect her.
"I believe in hundred quid blowjobs and mink sheets," she called back, one hand playing with a strand of her Bride of Frankenstein hairdo. "And a gold vibrator. I belive in that."

Well, I don't believe in those things specifically, but I admire this fictional punkette's conviction. I certainly wouldn't mind being able to blow off a guy with such commitment, trouble is I don't have a firm enough sense of what I want.

I would like to believe in something so I can then follow self-actualized suit and give a definite "yes" or "no".
And I must believe in something because otherwise I wouldn't feel this restless.
If I believed in nothing, I wouldn't care, and obviously I do.

And yes,
I know that I've become tiresome to some, perhaps many. I also know that most individuals have lapses into such quasiobsessiveillogicalhurtredundentimmature emotive rant-states, and so I don't feel I have broken anything irrevocably.

I don't know if any of this matters though.
I'm trying to give myself a personalized count-down, but I still don't think I know enough yet.

And here is the thing; I could never know enough.
I cannot know everything and as much as I would like to pretend as if I don't try to, that would be a bitter untruth, and I am trying to live my life in an honest manner.

Plansplansplans. . .raceracerace

I'm not quite as referentially based (and that is a severe understatement) as a lot of my friends. So that being said, the precise words of Mr. Palahniuk's contrived text I can't recall.
But its something to the effect of
the girl is afraid of making the wrong decision so she doesn't decide anything at all
something like that. . .

That is what gets me stuck, my lack of commitment to any one thing.
wish-wash, to and fro
I am just waiting for someone else to make the decision for me; begging for an obvious reason.
I am being a coward and I hate it.

So I am going to stop doing it, it's just that easy.
yep, total simplicity
And in truth, I have made a commitment to a new kind of honesty with myself. The trouble is, I have decreed tomorrow my day of reckoning and since I have not yet slept and then woken, it is still today.

It isn't even really all that dramatic. Just a matter of fact day in which I will figure out concretely what I want to do.

Nothing too big.

It's just that while I am striving to move forward and toward solid things I am also noticing a tendency to drift into a very obvious world of denial and fantasy.
It's probably time to hire someone to listen to me cry about it all because my pillow and everyone else is sick of it.

This is the point tonight where I was supposed to make contact and then feel better. The conversation would imply such things, but I am feeling worse than before and broken.

Haven't even read this entry through - it may not make a lick of sense
It's time to focus on something else now.

snugandevil @ 2003-03-19T14:11:00

2003-03-19T19:12:17Z

Over.

Sleep?

2003-03-18T04:49:08Z

It's obscene really; I don't understand this schedule.
I'm a bit worried that we have, when together, begun to emit some kind of caffinated pheromone and never will we sleep again.
I couldn't sleep by myself either though, so I don't think it's that.

My back and the rest of my body tend to escape most womanly, monthly annoyances but this month my lower back seems to be trying to make up for all the years of absent pain.
Which of course means my bed is useless and the floor isn't much better and I find myself craving a firm mattress far away.

I think I feel like I got more done today because of how little sleep I received last night. I had one interview, made appointments for 2 others later in the week, drove around to see some apartments, scheduled out my week. . .

Tomorrow is full as well and I am hoping that Thursday will bring some closure or at the very least give me a firm idea of what I am starting with.

I am looking forward to seeing my family and I am expecting some wacky museum fun with nesto if at all possible.
That being said, the DC area makes me a bit nervous and this whole country makes me more than a bit upset.

I am not the majority, I really realized that the other day.
I'm politically depressed; I feel like I can't do anything so I don't; not really.

I don't know what to expect from this imminent violence.

I am making myself neurotic enough as it is and maybe that is why I just accept my complete lack of understanding.
I mean, there is no way I really could know.

I should be asleep.
I wish I was.

snugandevil @ 2003-03-15T22:26:00

2003-03-16T03:31:34Z

I wanted to break my own bones;
that leaves a girl tired.

And with an absence of deep love there is also less fighting;
I think that's what makes it ok for me.

I have to get to this party tonight.
I avoid social situations enough as it is, but god damn am I tired.
Stooopid tired, so much so that the thought of walking to my car makes me just want to camp out here.

If I am going to go, I better start moving now.

As Richard Brautigan said, I am moving slower than a drunk snail.

And as Beck said,
i coldstep to you
with a fresh pack of gum
somehow i knew
you were lookin' for some
like a fruit that's ripe for a pickin'
i wanna do you like that Zankou Chicken
'cos only you've got a thing
that i just got to get with
i just got to get with you
and you know what we're gonna do

g'night

snugandevil @ 2003-03-12T22:11:00

2003-03-13T03:23:44Z

So I just realized something.
I think any daughter who does not much get along with her mother would shy away from moving back into her childhood home.
Especially if this daughter has graduated from college and already spent months living on her own.
But here is the thing,
the BIG thing I only just thought of:
Not only have I been away from my mother and that house since I went away to college, but since I was 16.
In 18 days that will be 7 years.
Um. . learning experiences can be fun?

Hint (as in I need to take one)

2003-03-13T02:42:23Z

Pronunciation: 'hint
Function: noun
Etymology: probably alteration of obsolete hent act of seizing, from hent verb
a : a statement conveying by implication what it is preferred not to say explicitly

Get What, Get Back

2003-03-13T01:49:46Z

I don't mind a baby crying in a restaurant; it doesn't phase me.
It doesn't affect me in the least because the small human life does not belong to me.
In theory this kind of detachment should have held today, but never have I ever heard a kitten scream like this.

My kitten's former partner in crime is visiting for a few days. I'm glad he has a friend, it gives his mother a break. And the Tofu Cowboy always said that Chairman hated the car; but to be honest I thought he was exaggerating. Exaggerating is what Philosophy/Theatre double majors do, right?
God damn; that shrieking beast of an otherwise docile, if not limp-wristed kitten was hyperventilating on the drive to my apartment. His meows were actually painful and ear piercing and I listen to a lot of music that much of the world would describe as torture.

He is now happy and at my home playing with Kitten; but really. . .I almost couldn't handle it.

Of course nothing has been decreed employmentwise in the passing of this work day; but that is fine.
All the more reason to take a kitten home with you and once the children are playing, crack open the vodka.

I don't much care for being alone in times of remembrance and anxiety. Beyond my simple fear of attack, it makes me worry that I've used up my capacity for non-violence and the next break-in is going to result in fight or flight. It makes me feel like a failure to be. . .
But coming home to an empty house, I was able to pretend it wasn't me living by the good graces of glorious women, but that it was my own place and I was living my own life.
And the next obvious branch of that solitary and independent existence is, of course, to get smashed and dance around the house.

So yes, practically in a catsuit of my own due to the shedding of combined fur, I shrugged off my clothes of the day and slid into my brothers old tee-ball shirt. In my tight orange, I began to make some noodles and drink some drink.

Pleasantly punched, I moved on to my video.
(yes, we have a video!. . .I miss the Young Ones DVDs already)
Grosse Pointe Blank is one of my favorites. Granted it has all kinds of pleasant connotations, but I've realized as of late, how much significance and emphasis I put on that particular year of my life. I am a bit to young to be "reliving" the good old days so no more talk of such matter.

In a completely unoriginal fashion, I adore John Cusack and how can I disapprove of a romantic comedy with near constant gunfire and The Ace of Spades in the background of an exploding convenience store, once a childhood home.

I thought I would take a break and see if the world had anything to offer, but it seems I should just stay in my cave with the kittens. I've still got 2 videos from Helena that I borrowed and the lovely roommate K. left me 3 free rentals.

Who needs reality, when I have the cinema

bleh

2003-03-11T01:44:24Z

I am getting a parking ticket right now.
I saw the man drive in, he is going to fine me for something obscenely incorrect and frivolous.
I do not care.
I did nothing to hinder this inevitability.
I just kept walking.
Of course now I don't feel like getting the information I came here to get; I don't feel like doing much of anything.
I would like something of measure to work out in my favor; no that isn't childish or whiny, it's just an honest thought.
I don't want to have to give up so much based on employment, but the more real that possibility comes, the more doom and gloom I become.
But I'll call tomorrow anyway, I will keep trying.

edit: By the heavens, I was actually spared a parking ticket. . .maybe I will get this job. . .or maybe not

to everything that I can't see and for everything that I can't hear

2003-03-10T03:40:49Z

I need to get out.

Only others have really stood
A place, a place, a place called
A place, a place called,
A place, a place called,
A place, a place called
A place called won't be there
It's a place called won't be there

from now on it is called "washing-up liquid"

2003-03-08T20:35:30Z

I haven't written about my cat in a while, so I will do that. Far more harmless than anything inside my head right now at the very least.
So today is fucking gorgeous. I do not understand how it can be 50 degrees then 30 degrees then 65 degrees, but today is beautiful and I will accept it.

I slept in after a night of drinking and escapism. I learned last night that there are some things you can't forget no matter how much you wish you could, that kitten likes soybean shells, and that I can say piss off just like Vyvyan does if I scrunch up my mouth just right. I said piss off a lot last night. But K. and I didn't break anything.

When I woke up I had a left over pancake and then K. was so gracious as to accompany me to the store to buy things for kitten (like food and a new toy). Here is the thing; Thor has lost his edge. He didn't like the car trip nearly as much as usual and was kind of a wuss once we got to store. Eventually he calmed down a bit and explored. I guess I should give him credit for being "relaxed" around so many dogs, but he used to eat these kinds of adventures right up. I think he is just out of practice so from now on there are more outings for kitten.

Realizing now that I have just eaten a single pancake today, however, I think I should probably go home and eat a little bit more.

I will not get in a funk today. I will NOT!

um. . . hey

2003-03-07T22:17:36Z

I don't know what just happened - it's like the bottom just dropped right out from under me. Is depression supposed to happen this quickly? It just doesn't seem right.

amendment: xbennx is supa fly. Thanks for the thoughts of cake, runnning away and general sense of other that has helped lift my mood. Though in all fairness mittenstein did fart for me while at work. I think I just needed silliness and someone to talk with.
Thanks kids.

Thoughts

2003-03-07T03:34:53Z

I knew I was still upset after the front door closed and I gazed into the refrigerator. On a side note, I can't believe it is only in the last 6 months of my life that I have tasted the glory that is guacamole, but yes. I looked in that ice box of mine and saw the splendor of avocado goodness and I knew that I needed it. And I needed the cheese and the sour cream and the chips. I ate like the food was going to dematerialize right in front of me; I was a ravenous messy glutton of a girl.

The thing is, I don't eat when I'm upset, it's just not something that I do. Usually in times of emotional trouble I strive to make myself empty. I guess today I needed to fill up empty spaces in an attempt to feel full. It just must have been a kind of upset I didn't know how to deal with. Regardless I ate and ate. . I needed ice cream and I needed beer.

I found myself pressing my fingers into the glass as if there was some greater purpose to the exertion. Like my fingers were trying to remember everything they've ever held, like they were trying to meld the familiar contours of a cold glass of beer into the so cherished bone structure of a hand once held.

Sinking deeper into the glass I wistfully thought that maybe, in drinking myself into a stupor, I would see him again -
some kind of barely as peyote trip -
or maybe if I fasted for 6 days and 7 nights I would be able to transcend this earthly plane and talk with him.

All this after one beer. I really need to start drinking again, my tolerance has dipped far too low.

But I realized last night the value of small pieces. I don't really remember him in full view, but I think that's just due to height and proximity. I stood close and therefore his tall frame couldn't fit into a single glance.

I remember his arms perfectly; the softness of his skin, the precise color of his long gangly arm hairs, the fleshiness of each limb, the tiny freckles that were far more prevalent across his back and shoulders.

I can see and feel
exactly
a well-worn cotton tee-shirt gathered between my small hands. I can see stains or tiny holes and I know that underneath the garment is an alabaster stomach that has developed a bit of a pudge in the last 2 years, but a lovable one.

White,white skin that he once tried to tan, naked, out in The Meadows while I was away. It didn't work, but that was ok. In all crassness, I was just glad he didn't scorch his penis, it would have been more than a little unfortunate.

He put his socks and shoes on in the "male" version of a cross-legged position, but then he leaned down with both feet on the floor to tie his laces.

His face I remember the most through damp, too long hair. The last time I saw him I trimmed it. The process involved an acceptable form of touching, it was ok to stand so close again. And I see myself run a section of his wet hair through my fingers to check the length and makes things even;
and there are his eyes.

Yesterday things made me fall apart. Today is different. I don't think I can ache over 2 at once; I've spent so much time keeping things separate. But its nice to have my pieces and it is nice to have my hope. I just look at my time and question what I can do with it and wonder how I can decide where I need to go.

bored bored bored

2003-03-06T19:31:46Z

I hate after-school care, what can I say.
I realize if I was a better person I would perceive every minute I spend with these children as a teachable moment; I would recognize that just my presence in their lives is a positive thing.
But I guess I'm not that person, because presently I find this work boring as a dirty linoleum floor.

I was expecting to balance this out with classroom time during the day. I have not spent nearly enough time subbing in other classes to make after-school tolerable.

My 30 seconds of excitement yesterday came from a tiny conversation with my favorite three year old. Damn if he isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen. . .but yes. . . His cat is named Casey(I'm not sure of the spelling)and I told him my boyfriend's cat was also named K.C. This was an amazing discovery to him; he was in awe. Then we talked about my cat and I realized this little child didn't know how to make the "th" sound.

So yes, I was excited by 30 seconds of spitting attempts to refer to my kitten as "Thor" and not "Four". This is what my life has become. At least we got to pretend to be dragons after that, which was something.

I think that is part of the reason I am so worked up right now. I think that is maybe part of the reason so many people I know are worked up right now. I could be wrong, but I don't think the drama of recent days would have ignited as it did unless there was more to life that my friends and I found wrong and unsettling.

I know what I want to be doing, I think a lot of us do. I think the obstacles and time barriers and confusion and stupid politics that lie in the way can fray us a bit. We are cursed with direction. We want to be doing more with our lives because we have them still. I should stop because I am absolutely speaking for more than just myself, but I think I must share these feelings with someone else somewhere.

I've been looking for a way to make decisions. A kind of litmus test for all the places I might be going in the near future. It is true that just having steady work would probably make me feel better, but I am going to decide where I am going based on the work that best suits me. If something I would really enjoy doing becomes an option in Philadelphia, then I will go there. If it ends up being in Durham, then I will go there instead. I will struggle with whatever aspects of each location are hard and I will make do and I will be ok because I will be happy with my work.

I worry about a lot right now, because there is so much left to know; so much of that knowledge comes from direct experience that I can't plan for no matter how much I want to.

I, myself, need to take a walk in the woods I think. And maybe get caught in the rain.

snugandevil @ 2003-03-04T14:38:00

2003-03-04T19:46:00Z

Being awake until 6AM can only be made right by one thing, and that thing isn't one that can be mentioned until the children are put in bed.
Though I will say the words "hot" and "monkey" could be used in a sentence.

I got myself a glass of juice this morning and I was surprised by the fresh air that blew across my face; I hadn't seen the window was open. I hadn't realized how spectacular the day had become.

I'm trying to figure out a way to move forward that isn't running away. I'm trying to figure what my way is. I haven't really looked, I haven't really spent the time doing what I need, more of it has been spent doing what I "should".

There are some things that leave me feeling too calm and too beautiful to leave if at all possible.

Feeling centered within myself I can keep walking.
I can do this.

He thinks I'm in bed

2003-03-04T06:38:10Z

and I meant to be, but I couldn't stay there.

I don't think I know how to talk with people any more; how to communicate.

OK, I know that is a pervasive state of existence for many, that's why I spent my time in college getting a degree about learning how to do a better job of it.
(sigh, case in point - that last bit was totally convoluted)
Maybe that is why I am all the more frustrated for speaking so poorly now, because I tried so hard to do better.

There is a boy who tells me that he doesn't think he communicates very well, but with me he thinks he does a good job. He says this is because of my strength.
I think that's a terribly sweet thing to say - it made me feel better than much has in recent times. Even so I'm concerned about my seeming consistent lack of clarity.

A lot of the time I wish my journal entires could reach your ears in my voice. I realize that skilled writers commit tone to page with their words and do a good job of it.
I wasn't an English major.
But my point is that I speak in a calm measured way most of the time and if I don't you can usually tell by the "fuck"s or the "damn"s. Read what I write slowly, smoothly, matter of factly. I don't write with venom perhaps as much as others read into it.
And for the sake of being clear, my last sentences do not imply that I am writing to an audience. I want the distinction to be made.
I write with the knowledge that others will read it, but I don't write for that purpose, not for anyone but myself.
If words flow from my fingers that only belong to my eyes, then I hit the "private" button on livejournal, and I continue amassing my thoughts in an electronic format.

But yes, I think I am misread and misunderstood and I think a lot of this is my fault. I'm not saying that for pity's sake, I am just acknowledging how incoherent I can be. I also, however, am afraid that the tone of other's is being projected onto my words.
I'm angry so you must be angry / I'm defensive so you must be defensive.
We hear what we want to, we interpret as we will and I am worried that this is because there is a pain or anguish deep inside my friends here, that we cannot name and is finding its way out in all the wrong places.

I asked someone not to quote me - this didn't mean I was keeping him from responding or even talking about what I said/wrote, it was just my words asking for leave. It was just me asking for verbatim correspondence to be kept in isolation. But I wasn't understood; again.

It's hard to make sense when you are confused and scared yourself. Again, I am not trying to sound like a girl with a victim complex, I am just asserting that matters are difficult. I imagine I will un-censure this when I feel safer, but until I figure out a way for my words to ring clear as to my intent, I am going to have to keep myself a few shelves up.

Perhaps the greatest irony is that the one person I feel most comfortable with is the one I am supposed to hate, the one who is supposed to hate me. Things aren't good between us, we aren't buddy-buddy, but we've acknowledged where we are and just how potentially fruitless reconciliation is. Maybe we will try again some day, but right now I think we are just going to try and respect each other as people. Something is very wrong when the still point of everything lies between she and I.

I feel a great need to leave, I feel like maybe I saw this coming, but mostly I feel as if this all exists because of something else that none of us can see. I would like to find a way for us to find this thing, if it really exists, but on the other hand I really want to get away from here.

I don't know if anyone listens anymore, myself included, and if that's true, how is progress ever going to be made.

Today

2003-03-03T19:10:48Z

1.The more you need a nap, the more likely it is for the phone to ring. . and ring and ring.
2.The only thing that makes 1. tolerable is when there is a kitten napping beside you.
3.Don't assume anything.
4.Doubletalk is dumb.
5.I think I have a plan

(number 5 leaves me pleased as punch)