K (snugandevil) wrote,

authentic existence and other psychobabble

"I thought you didn't believe in anything," I called after her as she climbed into the Roller he sent to collect her.
"I believe in hundred quid blowjobs and mink sheets," she called back, one hand playing with a strand of her Bride of Frankenstein hairdo. "And a gold vibrator. I belive in that."

Well, I don't believe in those things specifically, but I admire this fictional punkette's conviction. I certainly wouldn't mind being able to blow off a guy with such commitment, trouble is I don't have a firm enough sense of what I want.

I would like to believe in something so I can then follow self-actualized suit and give a definite "yes" or "no".
And I must believe in something because otherwise I wouldn't feel this restless.
If I believed in nothing, I wouldn't care, and obviously I do.

And yes,
I know that I've become tiresome to some, perhaps many. I also know that most individuals have lapses into such quasiobsessiveillogicalhurtredundentimmature emotive rant-states, and so I don't feel I have broken anything irrevocably.

I don't know if any of this matters though.
I'm trying to give myself a personalized count-down, but I still don't think I know enough yet.

And here is the thing; I could never know enough.
I cannot know everything and as much as I would like to pretend as if I don't try to, that would be a bitter untruth, and I am trying to live my life in an honest manner.

Plansplansplans. . .raceracerace

I'm not quite as referentially based (and that is a severe understatement) as a lot of my friends. So that being said, the precise words of Mr. Palahniuk's contrived text I can't recall.
But its something to the effect of
the girl is afraid of making the wrong decision so she doesn't decide anything at all
something like that. . .

That is what gets me stuck, my lack of commitment to any one thing.
wish-wash, to and fro
I am just waiting for someone else to make the decision for me; begging for an obvious reason.
I am being a coward and I hate it.

So I am going to stop doing it, it's just that easy.
yep, total simplicity
And in truth, I have made a commitment to a new kind of honesty with myself. The trouble is, I have decreed tomorrow my day of reckoning and since I have not yet slept and then woken, it is still today.

It isn't even really all that dramatic. Just a matter of fact day in which I will figure out concretely what I want to do.

Nothing too big.

It's just that while I am striving to move forward and toward solid things I am also noticing a tendency to drift into a very obvious world of denial and fantasy.
It's probably time to hire someone to listen to me cry about it all because my pillow and everyone else is sick of it.

This is the point tonight where I was supposed to make contact and then feel better. The conversation would imply such things, but I am feeling worse than before and broken.

Haven't even read this entry through - it may not make a lick of sense
It's time to focus on something else now.
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